Posted April 9, 2012 by Greg Dragon in TV Show - Recap

Game of Thrones Recap 2.2 – The Night Lands

Arya Stark hiding

Oh Stannis, you poor robot of a warrior you… who would have thought that even the firm Stannis Baratheon would be weak when it comes to the prospect of magical, ginger coochie? Not just any magical coochie by the way, but some Melisandre the witch magical coochie. She wants to bear him a son and those words was what broke down his defenses as he threw the sorceress down on his battle map and thrust into her like his sword probably has many a foe. I won’t lie folks it was a hot scene… with the exception of my man Stannis’s groaning like a man who hasn’t had any in a millenia… wait he hasn’t had any.

But groaning? Damn fire king, was it THAT good? I don’t know though guys, a dangerous woman in all red, HOT AS HELL (no pun intended) comes into your war room sans underthings and walks up to you opening it to reveal all her goodies along with demands for sex. Who is going to say no? Hell, I give Stannis props for even attempting to turn it down.

Theon Greyjoy The Joke of Winterfell

This was the episode of men being conquered by women sexually it seems as Robb Stark’s best friend Theon Greyjoy sails to Winterfell to see if he can enlist his father’s naval army to assist in the war against Joffrey, the “cough” king. As he lands on shore, dressed in what he thinks is his rightful princely garb he is met with cold shoulders and aloof feedback on his lineage. The one woman who shows him kindness and a free ride to the castle is a tall blonde, slightly rough but much better looking than the rat—girl that he was sexing all the way through his trip (Theon you are a nasty whore of a man).

theon greyjoy smiling

On the ride up, Theon starts speaking brazenly on how lucky the blonde will be for him giving her his princely penis and proceeds to feel her up liberally. Well, after meeting his father – who he hadn’t seen for 9 years, getting a cold response of questioning his manhood and loyalty, he then finds out the blonde is his battle-hardened sister. DERP! Yup Theon Greyjoy almost pulled a Jaime Lannister on his sister… a bastard son’s worst nightmare.

The headless horsemen of Daenerys…

In the deep south Daenerys Targaryen keeps on failing as a queen… just being honest.  She not only has her people starving and dying of thirst, but then she sends out her champions to go find help only to have one return minus his body. Apparently a woman leading a Khalasar is not considered cool in those parts, so the rival Khals send little Dany a message that she needs to sit her thirsty ass down and die. Seems that in the Dothraki tradition this disgraceful death is about the worst way to go that there is – his wife cried that “they killed his soul”. Whew, brutal! Of course this blonde haired blowhard of a woman (Daenerys) spouts off some nonsense promise that she probably only halfway believes and cries for the loss of one of her main men. I am really going to need her to step the hell up being that it was she who caused the death of the mighty Khal Drogo in season one.

Daenerys TargaryenSeriously Dany cheerleading only goes so far, step the hell up already, I’m running out of patience here!

Of course this wouldn’t be Game of Thrones without some harsh, snarky, verbal jousting by the Lannisters and their bedmates eh? First we have “Lord Baelish” the coldest pimp in any fantasy setting ever… he is made to show his true heart to us fans when a customer complains that a prostitute started crying during sex. When Baelish talks to the girl, she tells him how her friend just had her baby murdered (by Joffrey’s boys) not too long ago. Understandable right? Well Baelish aka Littlefinger goes on to tell the girl about a former ‘tute who was unhappy with customers which in turn hurt his pockets – like she was doing. He basically threatens her with this story on how he sold that girl to a man doing experiments due to the fact that she was a “bad investment”. To show that his pimping was not all ice he then gave her a day off to mourn her friend’s loss.

Is that nut on your chin or are you just happy to see me?

Well the story and Baelish’s calloused ways  was not what made me cringe the most in this scene… a girl rounds the corner with some man-juice on her mouth and Baelish seeing it, wipes it off with his handkerchief and then passes her to the complaining customer, who without thinking starts to kiss her. Ya go ahead and process that.

Finally everybody’s favorite Imp Tyrion Lannister decides to get extremely gangster this episode. Finding the eunuch Varys in his quarters speaking with his ex-prostitute girlfriend was enough to anger the little man. He and the eunuch exchange threats but it was in a way that we have rarely seen Tyrion talk before… he was coldly serious about it and it was obvious that the eunuch had crossed the line. He then dismisses the current baby-killing head of the City-Watch Janos Slynt and put his man in charge… the mighty sell-sword Bronn. He did it in such a gangster way that I can’t even explain it folks… another reason why you should be watching this show.

Tyrion and Cersei debate

After that we get another Tyrion versus Cersei word war and let me tell you, the queen does spit fire folks… poor Tyrion is reminded that it was he whose birth killed their mother and Cersei is again hit with the old “you have sex with your brother, you nasty girl” attack. It’s a wonder they didn’t start fighting right then and there. I kinda felt sorry for Cersei… I mean, you had a nice secret affair going with your brother which is now known by everybody in the land (thanks to Stannis), your imp brother hates you and calls you on your crap daily… and you can’t control your bitch son who you raised and bred for you to puppet on the throne.

Salladhor SaanA Black Pirate appears!

You know one of the funnier parts of the episode was when one of Stannis’s men Davos enlists the aid of a pirate by the name of Salladhor Saan – a black pirate whose sole reasoning for helping Stannis is to have a chance at – to quote him “fucking Cersei Lannister”. WOW! Cersei my dear you actually have a fan! I bet she would relish the chance to turn him down eh… unless his charm is as great as he makes it out to be.

Things I forgot: Little Arya (dresses as a boy en route to the Nights Watch) meets the Baratheon bastard who Joffrey is looking to kill and the 2 become friends. She’s such a snippy little cutey I swear. Oh and Jon Snow’s fat friend is still an idiot.

Great episode, lots of tension and things are really heating up already.

Greg Dragon

Cinephile and opinion writer, Greg Dragon has been a fan of movies since the 80's when Kung Fu theater was all the rage and Roger Moore was James Bond. Greg is the founder and lead critic of Spicy Movie Dogs. You can follow him on Twitter @Rafacus or on his Google+ account.